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제목 0716 Mickey Mouse 등록일 2024-07-16
내용 Mickey Mouse is an animation character which Walt Disney has made in 1928.
In 1924, Walt Disney and his brother, Roy established the Walt Disney and he later produced some of the beloved movies and animations, like "Cinderella", "Beauty and the Beast"
and etc. In 1950, not only these achievement, but also Walt Disney had the vision of a theme park, where children and their parents could have fun together, as of 2019, there are now twelve Disney theme parks.
담당강사 Jace2usa 등록일 2024-07-16
첨삭 내용 Mickey Mouse is an animation character which Walt Disney has made in 1928.
In 1924, Walt Disney and his brother, Roy established the Walt Disney and he later produced some of the beloved movies and animations, like "Cinderella", "Beauty and the Beast"
and etc. In 1950, not only these achievement, but also Walt Disney had the vision of a theme park, where children and their parents could have fun together, as of 2019, there are now twelve Disney theme parks. The sentence has several grammatical errors and issues with clarity. Here is the corrected version with insights: --- Mickey Mouse is an animated character created by Walt Disney in 1928. In 1924, Walt Disney and his brother Roy established the Walt Disney Company, which later produced some of the most beloved movies and animations, like "Cinderella" and "Beauty and the Beast." In 1950, in addition to these achievements, Walt Disney had the vision of a theme park where children and their parents could have fun together. As of 2019, there are now twelve Disney theme parks. --- ### Insights: 1. **Mickey Mouse is an animated character created by Walt Disney in 1928.** - "animation character" should be "animated character." - "which Walt Disney has made" should be "created by Walt Disney." - Specify the year "in 1928." 2. **In 1924, Walt Disney and his brother Roy established the Walt Disney Company, which later produced some of the most beloved movies and animations, like "Cinderella" and "Beauty and the Beast."** - "the Walt Disney" is unclear. It should be "the Walt Disney Company." - Remove "and he later" for clarity. - "some of the beloved movies and animations" should be "some of the most beloved movies and animations." - Use a consistent list format for movies and avoid using "and etc." as "etc." is redundant after "and." 3. **In 1950, in addition to these achievements, Walt Disney had the vision of a theme park where children and their parents could have fun together.** - Change "not only these achievement" to "in addition to these achievements" for better flow and grammar. - "had the vision of a theme park" is more precise and grammatically correct than the original phrasing. 4. **As of 2019, there are now twelve Disney theme parks.** - Simplify the sentence for clarity, removing unnecessary commas and ensuring the sentence structure is straightforward.

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